Mothering a Motherless Child.

As the mother of an adopted child, it took years for me to understand what it is like to be a motherless child. When I did, I understood a lot more about my daughter and even more about the role we adoptive mothers fill in helping our children get on in this world. So this Mother's Day, a moment to consider our own mothers. It's been four years since the last Mother's Day I spent with my Mother.

There was that small matter of living 1,500 miles apart and the fact that the special day falls during what must surely be one of the busiest month of the year for mothers. What with school projects and field trips and final concerts, busy soccer seasons, exams, Memorial Day and graduations all crammed into a few weeks, we mothers can get that crazed look in our eyes trying to juggle everything. That year I managed to board a plane with my leg practically in traction, three broken bones between my knee and my ankle; netting me a first class seat because I couldn't bend my leg.

While my son had already moved on to college and international adventures, I hated being away from my then, 16-year-old daughter; the first Mother's Day that we hadn't shared since we brought her home from Russia. But I longed to sit at my Mother's table and talk with her over cups of coffee and fresh-baked cookies. I longed to be mothered. Our regular phone calls and rare (at least on my part) letters just did not fill the void. Only time with her would do it.

As it turns out, it was her last Mother's Day. She died quite suddenly the following August. Having lost my father four years earlier, I expected to grieve, recover and move on. I did not expect the waves of grief, the unrelenting emptiness, the heavy spot in my chest,which felt as though someone had ripped out my heart. I certainly did not expect, at my age, to feel so lonely, so defenseless, so abandoned. Then one day came the shock of truth: “So this is what a motherless child feels like.”

With that simple truth, I understood in the most profound way the depth of hurt, the primal loss, that our adoptive children can experience, even as we give them love and everything else we believe they need. I can only speak for me, but my connection to my mother was the basis for understanding who I am. If a grown woman can experience such grief, how much more overwhelming is it for a child who cannot even articulate the intense emotions of loss engendered by her background. No wonder her grief came out in so many other ways. Beginning with the hilarity generated at her first sleep-over, when at age six, our daughter announced to her little friends that “I wasn't born, I was adopted,” our daughter progressed through the typical stages of questions about her heritage and her birth mother.

Like so many of our preteens and teens, she stewed for months before she got up the courage to ask; when she turned 18, would we help her try to find her birth mother? In a single moment I knew she was owed reassurance; “Yes, of course, we can try when you want to.” But the other part of me had been crushed. I was her mother! Me! And I had waited so long for her. Now, years later, the topic has not yet concerned her again. No search has begun. Since providing her with the assurance she needed, she has lived into the love offered and for now, has moved past the motherless child stage. So have I. Happy Mothers' Day!

Jan Wondra,
Vice chair, FRUA National Board of Directors

An Overview of FRUA Scholarship Applicants.

Spring is in the air in most parts of the country, and that means that the annual Scholarship Program of Families for Russian and Ukrainian Adoption (FRUA) is well underway. Most of you know that to apply, applicants must come from current, paid FRUA member families. The FRUA National Board is excited about our applicant pool in this, the fourth year of our scholarship program.

With the application deadline now closed, FRUA has received 27 applications for scholarships in three categories: high school seniors, current post-secondary students, and children of chapter leaders. This year award amounts are $1,500 and $1,000 for two high school seniors, $1,000 for a post-secondary student, and $500 for a child of a chapter leader.

The applicant population is broader this year than in previous years. While the vast majority of applicants were adopted from Russia, several were adopted from Ukraine and, in a first for our scholarship program, we received applications from children adopted from Moldova. All totaled, 22 applicants were adopted from Russia, three were adopted from Ukraine, and two applicants were adopted from Moldova.

Another notable difference this year is the ratio of male to female applicants. In previous years, most applicants were male. This year, we received 16 applications from young women and 11 from young men. Student applicants hailed from 16 different states coast-to-coast. Four applications came in from Pennsylvania, three from Michigan and Virginia, two from California, Colorado, South Carolina, and Wisconsin, and single applications came in from Illinois, Maine, Missouri, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, New Mexico, Ohio, and Tennessee. The number of applications submitted in 2012 (double the 2011 total) and the variety of states from which applications were submitted suggest that word about our scholarship program is spreading! To help spread the word even more, please consider telling your high school guidance counselor about this scholarship opportunity.

FRUA’s National Board of Directors Scholarship Committee looks forward to reviewing the applications in the coming weeks and selecting recipients in mid-May. As in previous years, the applicants are incredibly impressive young adults!

The FRUA Scholarship Program for our Adopted Children -- Application Deadline is March 17th

As the mother of a tenth grader, I am keenly aware that soon I will be knee-deep preparing my son for educational opportunities beyond high school. Like many typical 15-year olds, my son’s interests and life-goals are constantly in flux. One week, he wants to be an engineer. The next week, he wants to be an architect. At other times, the discipline and rigor of the military appeal to him. Thus, we are still discussing whether he will attend a four-year college, start his post-secondary education at community college, or perhaps join the military before entering college. Regardless of the path he chooses, financing his education will be a major challenge for my family.

That why I am so excited about the Famililes for Russian and Ukrainian Adoption (FRUA) Scholarship Program! This program was specifically designed to address the needs of our member families, many of whose internationally adopted children will continue their education after finishing high school. Like many available scholarships from other organizations, our program asks applicants to provide information about their academic, community, volunteer, and extra-curricular activities. Unlike those other scholarships, however, our program is neither needs-based nor solely academic performance-based. Instead, we seek to consider the whole child and his or her adoption experience. We ask students to provide an essay describing how their adoption and their involvement in FRUA have helped shape their lives.

Over the past three years, applicants have submitted incredibly touching, poignant essays describing how they overcame obstacles in their young lives and how their adoption experience influenced their lives in so many ways. Each year, the members of the FRUA scholarship committee are deeply touched by the thoughts, emotions, and experiences these talented and thoughtful young adults have shared. And each year, we look forward to reviewing applications, learning about your children and their struggles and accomplishments,and awarding scholarships to selected recipients.

If your child is interested in pursuing post-secondary education at college/university, community college, or a trade/technical school, please consider the FRUA scholarship as a tool for helping fund his or her educational dreams. Encourage your children to finalize their applications, collect their letters of recommendations, and write their essays.

Go to www.frua.org for forms and scholarship requirements. But DON’T DELAY - applications must be postmarked to FRUA by March 17, 2012!!

Sue Gainor
Chair
National Board of directors
Families for Russian and Ukrainian Adoption

'Tis the Season.....to Receive a Free Subscription to Russian Life Magazine for Giving to FRUA's Work Providing Hope, Help and Community.

Your mailbox is overflowing with catalogues, you hear the song “Jingle Bells” everywhere, and the lights on your neighbor’s house are accelerating global warming…yup, the holiday season is here!
Regardless of our individual faith traditions, most Americans celebrate the holiday season with visits to or from families and friends, gifts, food, and parties. Such festivities are often joyous, rewarding, and wonderful! I so enjoy the season’s wonders – I’m no fan of eggnog but I do revel in holiday merriment with family, friends, and colleagues!
It’s also true that the holidays can often be a particularly stressful time of year. The demands on our time, energy, and especially our wallets are sometimes stretched to the brink during the weeks between Thanksgiving and New Year ’s Day. If your house is anything like mine, you are receiving donation appeals from every imaginable charity and wondering what to do with all those free mailing labels??
We on the FRUA national board know there are many charitable organizations vying for your attention and donations during this season. So we have partnered with Russian Life magazine, (whose publisher, Paul Richardson, is a long-time member of FRUA’s advisory board) to offer you a bonus for donating to FRUA. Anyone who donates $35 or more to FRUA between November 8 and December 31 will receive a one-year free subscription to Russian Life magazine*. That’s right – one free year of excellent articles, Russian news, and gorgeous photography for donating to FRUA! Please visit our web site at www.frua.org and click on the Donate Now button to take advantage of this great offer!
While you are on the FRUA website, please also visit the new offerings in our recently updated web store. We are now selling gorgeous cards depicting pictures drawn by Russian orphans as part of an art rehabilitation program. During the holiday season, we are offering these cards at deep discounts for purchases of 100 or more. These unique cards make terrific gifts for family, friends, teachers, grandparents – and are also great for your own holiday card mailing list! Plus, proceeds from card sales will help fund FRUA programs, events, and orphan support projects.
We hope you will take some time during this holiday season to recognize how FRUA has enriched your life and then donate to FRUA. Remember, your donation will help us meet our promise to provide hope, help, and community to adoptive families.
Best wishes for a healthy, happy, and merry holiday season!

Sue Gainor
Chair
National Board of Directors
Families for Russian and Ukrainian Adoption
www.frua.org

* Current Russian Life subscribers will receive a $5 discount off any book purchase. New subscribers will also get a free copy of “100 Things Everyone Should Know About Russia.” First issue will be the Jan/Feb 2012 issue.

FRUA National Board Meeting Yields Progress Toward Delievering Hope, Help and Community to Adoptive Families

"Each year, the FRUA National Board of Directors holds an annual meeting at the end of FRUA's fiscal year (July 1 - June 30). This is the only time during the year this all-volunteer Board holds an in-person meeting, although we 'meet' via conference call approximately every 6 weeks. In an effort to reach out to as many regional chapters and members as possible, the Board holds this meeting in different locations across the country. This year, we met July 22-23, 2011, in Colorado. Previous recent meeting locations include Columbus, OH, Minneapolis, MN, Arlington, VA, New York City, NY, and San Francisco, CA.

The Board meeting's purpose is to discuss organizational goals and strategies, financial health, membership trends, outreach efforts, and orphan support programs, among other topics. For many years, the Board met for a single day; in 2008, we expanded the meeting to a day and a half to accommodate all the business we had to cover. Starting in 2010, we expanded the meeting to two full days. These are hugely busy, productive, rewarding, and somewhat exhausting meetings! For 9 hours straight each day, we go over every detail of the organization to discuss what works and what doesn't, look for improvements and efficiencies, propose new initiatives and perhaps delay or reshape others. Ideas fly around the room like lightning bolts and the energy among board members is intense! Keep in mind that everyone there has taken time off work, and time away from families, to focus on the mission of FRUA to meet hte needs of our member families.

Along with our meeting time, we schedule social events to meet and greet FRUA members and representatives from the local adoption community. Because FRUA has two Colorado chapters, we held the first day of our meeting in Colorado Springs and then met members for dinner in a lovely historic restaurant nearby. For our second day, we met in Denver's Technology Center and hosted a dinner in downtown Denver for FRUA members and a few special guests from a non-profit orphan support organization. Both events were delightful - it's so great to connect with members each year in a social setting!

Over the next couple of months, you'll read more about the outcome of our Board meeting and the status of the organization. Details about the meeting and new initiatives will be presented in upcoming issues of The Family Focus, our wonderful membership journal. A thorough review of FRUA activities, as well as summaries of our membership and financial data, will be published in our Annual Report, due out in mid-Oct. Until these summaries arrive in your mailbox, know that FRUA's National Board is working hard to ensure the organization's success now and for the future!"

Sue Gainor
Chair
National Board of Directors
Families for Russian and Ukrainian Adoption
Hope, Help and Community for Adoptive Families
www.frua.org
chair@frua.org

Father's Have Their Own Ways of Loving and Helping Our Children

As Father’s Day approaches each year, I generally find myself debating whether to take my husband out for brunch or buy him another electronic device to add to his gadget inventory – or both! This Father’s Day, however, I found myself contemplating how differently mothers and fathers parent their children, and how I see those different parenting styles play out among the adoptive families I know through FRUA.

My husband and I became parents with the birth of our older son. Like many husbands, mine struggled to carve out his parenting role with an infant who was almost completely dependent on me. As our son grew and weaned from nursing, he and my husband slowly began developing his relationship. In short order, my husband and son developed a wonderful relationship - they adored each other!

When we adopted our son Connor, both my husband and I had reevaluate our parenting styles to connect with our new baby. In the early days, it was all about affection and food, so we could both interact with Connor in these arenas. Having seen few if any men, however, Connor was initially afraid of my husband and routinely covered his eyes when my husband entered the room. I can’t imagine how emotionally difficult this initial rejection must have been for my husband. But he and Connor worked through it and eventually they developed a loving relationship.

Over the years, Connor struggled with childhood apraxia of speech – leaving him largely unable to speak until around age 6 – and was eventually diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder and Pervasive Development Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified. A child with these diagnoses is necessarily more challenging to parent that a neuro-typical child. More importantly, they demanded that my husband and I develop new and different parenting skills.

Like many adoptive mothers I know, I’d spent years reading everything I could get my hands on about raising internationally adopted, post-institutionalized children. So when presented with Connor’s challenges, I immediately began reading all kinds of books and studies on apraxia, FASD, and PDD-NOS. I spoke with doctors, professionals, and practitioners. I attended conferences and seminars. Most importantly, I consulted with mothers, lots of mothers.

My husband, on the other hand, did none of those things. Lacking a community of adoptive fathers to tap into, my husband’s ability to parent Connor’s many challenges did not develop apace and, in fact, fell behind as my competence and confidence grew. Over time, I became expert in understanding and dealing with my son’s challenges while my husband struggled. Over time, I became increasingly angry at my husband, feeling that he’d punted his responsibility to raise a neurologically atypical child.

Recently, I had an epiphany. I realized that my husband hadn’t punted his responsibility as a parent to Connor. No, he didn’t read all the stuff I read. And no, he didn’t spend hours on line with other fathers dissecting his son’s behaviors and therapies. But, as different from mine as they were, I couldn’t overlook his contributions to our son. My husband takes our son on subway rides to the airport on weekend mornings to watch planes take off and land. Much to my utter horror, he takes Connor on the roof to help hang holiday lights. He pushes Connor to test his limits in situations where I would jump in to “rescue” him. In many ways, my husband teaches Connor self-confidence by not treating him as if he were impaired.

I suspect other over-achieving mothers harbor secret (or not so secret) resentment toward their husbands, who may parent very differently than they, themselves, do. So this Father’s Day, I realize it’s long overdue that I acknowledge the gifts of love and time my husband gives to both our sons. My gift to my husband, this and every future Father’s Day, is to appreciate that he’s a wonderful father.

Sue Gainor
Chair
National Board of Directors
Families for Russian and Ukrainian Adoption
Hope, Help and Community for Adoptive Families
www.frua.org
chair@frua.org

Approaching Summer, Keeping the IEP in Mind.

FRUA National Education Chair, Pat Gerke has a Masters in Counseling and has worked in the field of Developmental Disabilities for over 25 years in a wide range of specialty areas including adult services (vocational and residential), healthcare, advocacy and spirituality/inclusion. She teaches two courses each spring related to Disabilities, at Rutgers University and she and her husband Jay adopted their two children, Matthew and Iryna, in Ukraine. This is her summer message to FRUA members:

Summer is upon us. While we all prepare for a much-deserved break, this is a good time, when the pressure is off, to consider the IEP. Have you, like so many of us, had to prepare for your child's IEP (Individualized Education Plan) meeting or is it still ahead? How DO you prepare? Do you go into it loaded with ammunition like you are armed and dangerous? Do you look forward to discussing your child's present level of performance -  or do you dread it?!

if you are like many FRUA members, the end of the school year and the spring IEP meeting can be filled with anxiety and worry. Self-doubt about what to expect or ask for can cloud judgment about what a child needs or is capable of achieving. Its is not too late to think through how things went and to plan for how you and your child will approach the fall semester. Summer is the time to ask questions, talk with other FRUA parent members and consult with experts to learn more. And it can also mean more time for you to be with and observe your child away from formal learning environments.

Remember, YOU are an equal member of an IEP team. Without you there really isn't a team! Get to know your child's PLEP, rights, strengths AND needs! Be ready to collaborate and compromise. But know what is non-negotiable as well! Always remember, YOU ARE the expert on your child, no one else!

Pat Gerke
FRUA National Education Chair