We're listening...to what 'hope help and community' means to you...

When FRUA announced a week and a half ago that it intended to conduct its first-ever National Needs survey of adoptive families who have adopted or are adopting from Russia, Ukraine and all Eastern European and central Asian countries, there were some who asked "why?"  To this question, the FRUA National board offers these three reasons:

1. Our mission is to provide hope, help and community for adoptive families. Because FRUA cannot be all things to all people, we hope this survey will help identify those services that are most valuable to the families that we are committed to serving.

2. The way the world communicates and connects is changing, and we must change with it. Some of you, only aware of our online presence, might not even realize that we have chapters or conferences. FRUA began with a regional/local chapter structure; first Washington D.C., then Wisconsin, and onward through the years. Over time, chapters formed, grew, dissolved, regionalized, divided, renewed. But the best base  for the 21st century might be different than the current structure.

3.  FRUA began as an all-volunteer organization. Over 18 years later, it remains all-volunteer. But this may not be the way to guarantee that the FRUA mission can continue to be met.

The survey will close at midnight on Tuesday, March 5. Whether you are a paid members, a lapsed member or a never-member, if you have adopted or are adopting in the regions we cover, please, take ten or fifteen minutes and to complete the survey. Go to:

http://www.surveymethods.com/EndUser.aspx?E3C7ABB2E1A8BEB8E6

 
All who complete the survey and provide their name (which will be seen only by our third-party survey provider and not connected with any specific survey) will be entered to win a $100 Orphanage donation in their name to our FRUA Orphan Support work. That one winner will also receive a FRUA Coffee & Tea for Orphan Support basket worth $75.

I encourage you to add your voice...to complete the survey...to help us chart the future of this organization. Thank you!

Jan Wondra, Acting National Chair
FRUA National Board of Directors

We're on the Record: It's About the Children

January 1, 2013....One week can change everything. When the lower house of the Duma, Russian Federation, voted on December 21^st to ban adoption of Russian orphans by Americans, we were barely seven weeks into the new Bi-lateral Agreement on Inter-country Adoption, between the United States and Russia. It is a good agreement; requiring background information on the children, parenting education and a parenting plan for the adoptive parents, as well as a progress reporting structure and safeguards for adoptive children. As FRUA's liaison to the US Dept. of State's Office of Children's Issues, I represented FRUA and the voices of adoptive parents during the more than two years that our State Dept. spent crafting the agreement. FRUA's goal; to do what we can to help keep the doors of adoption open.

At the zenith of the reactive whirlwind, last Friday, December 27^th, President Putin signed the swift and complete ban on adoption by Americans; shocking people around the world. On behalf of the National Board of Directors of FRUA, our regional chapters and membership world-wide, I issued a statement the next day, condemning the actions taken by the government of the Russian Federation, which had nothing to do with orphans and everything to do with turning the most vulnerable of children into political pawns.

The effects of this ban are heartbreaking for those 500 to 1,000 orphan children and the prospective American parents in-process to complete their adoptions. It is especially cruel for special needs children, who have virtually no chance to be adopted in Russia. Our government does not yet know how Russian will implement the ban, which went into effect today, but has indicated that it will advocate en-mass, on humanitarian grounds, for the completion of adoptions in process.

As an organization, FRUA believes in children's basic human right to grow up in families that love and protect them and get them the help they need to reach their potential, whatever that may be. We encourage humanitarian action by the Russian government, allowing those American families in-process to complete their adoptions.

In condemning this action, FRUA,has made a special point that our condemnation of this political action by the Russian government in no way relates to our great admiration for the people of Russia, millions of whom we know to be caring and generous, thousands of whom took care of our children prior to adoption, and who support the rights of orphan children to grow up in families. We point out that by adopting children from Russia, we have added the Russian heritage to our families forever.

Of course it is best for a child to be adopted by a family in the home country. But if no families there come forward to adopt them; then surely it is better for a child to be adopted by a willing family wherever they may be, than to leave that child to languish alone, in an institution, to grow up to an uncertain future. Since 1991, over 60,000 Russian orphans have been adopted, and are growing up... successful, happy, loved...in families in the United States. Because this is about the children...this is truly where the truth lies.

Sincere hope for a brighter 2013,

Jan Wondra

Vice Chair/Acting National Chair

National Board of Directors

Families for Russian and Ukrainian Adoption

1, 2,3....School. Getting Them the Help They Need

Fall has arrived and with it, the next school challenges. Many of our FRUA parents have already had your first back-to-school nights. Many of you may be hearing about new issues, or addressing learning or behavior challenges that came out last school year, only to subside over the summer and return with the advent of the new school-year routine. Which brings me to #3:

 #3 Get them the help they need....It doesn't take an expert to tell us that our kids can be complicated and they don't come with instruction manuals. Just when we've got one problem figured out, something else can pop up.  With each challenge we had, we tried to get the help needed at the time. That's what we parents do; get them the help they need  as we go, to help them reach their potential, whatever level that may be.

Many of you may be facing your first IEP meetings for your children.  For the first few years, we found it helpful, as FRUA-Wisconsin parents, to accompany each other to those meetings and continued that with FRUA-Colorado parent support. Not only did it give us a person on our side to take notes during those tense meetings, but it provided confirmation of our points. Often the other FRUA parent could second the things we had to say about the environments from which our children had come and the typical behaviors of post-institutionalized children. They could support our suggestions for classroom or instructional needs. (Note to parents: I learned NEVER to advocate as something only my child needed...a sure way to get shot down. Instead Ilearned the language of  "this could help the whole classroom learn better." Or..."this suggestion could help all the children understand the concept better."). I didn't shy away from saying I'd put in parent volunteer time, either.  My chosen location: the study library - an hour or two a week. As a working mom, I knew those hours were more beneficial to my kids than lunch out and it let my daughter see that I supported her perseverance.

Not all the issues we confronted were connected; sometimes we had three things going at once. We'd try to figure out what was going on and which issue to address first. Usually the safety things came first. Sometimes those we consulted didn't agree. Or because of the IEP, we found that the school could only provide support for a secondary issue because that's where the funding is these days. We kept plugging away. But here's the thing we can loose sight of while trying to get our kids the help they need. We're the experts – the ones who know our kids better than anyone else with initials behind their names. If you think something isn't right...change something, pursue answers, persist. Don't wait, because our kids surely don't.

So as we bring you the third of the three things that every adoptive parents needs to practice...for the days when it all just seems to be too much....just remember. Its' 1...2...3... love them, stop helicoptering and get them the help they need to reach their potential.

Here's to a successful school year for all our FRUA children,

Jan Wondra

Vice Chair

National Board of Directors

Families for Russian and Ukrainian Adoption

1,2, 3....School. Stop Helicoptering

By now the back packs have been adjusted, the new school bus pick-up spots begin to become routine, and pics of the first day of school have been posted to your Facebook  page. You may be anticipating the first school Parent Night of the year.

No matter the age of one's children, hope for a great school year is riding high. We're on the other end of the school years at our house; it happens so quickly. Our daughter, Katie (Russia, 1994) has begun her senior year at Colorado State University; doing well in her major, and deep into presidential leadership of her chapter of Chi Omega sorority. Our son is a married, second-year grad student at Johns Hopkins SAIS in Washington DC. He's not beyond asking the occasional piece of advice, but capable of authoring policy pieces that I often need a dictionary to understand.

It is at precisely this point in the school year when I used to write the following two words on a sticky note and slap it on my bathroom mirror:

#2. Stop helicoptering.  

Let your kids make some mistakes, the earlier the better. We can't save them from everything. No matter if your kids are eight or eighteen, challenged, or average or brilliant, adopted or biological, there comes a point when we have to back up and let them fall. Failure at a young age is OK.  Say this out loud, moms and dads. "Failure at a young age is OK." 

This is true, not just because we're here to help them through it, but because it can help make our kids more resilient. We get to say, “Well, pick up and try again.” We can say that because of #1 (below). As adoptive parents, we know our kids can come with more than their share of challenges. Showing them how to keep trying...and trying...and trying... is a gift. In a past blog post, I shared the story of how Katie's kindergarten teacher and I cooked up a spelling word challenge. She learned to spell the word 'perseverance' at age five as a sing-song; the word itself teaching her its meaning and how to put it in practice. It's still her word. 

Attending freshman parent orientation at CSU four years ago, I actually heard a mother express concern to the head of student services that her son would not wake up for classes and what would the university do to assure that he made it to class. The Dean stared at her for a moment and said "Madam, if you have not taught your son that it is his own responsibility to show up for class by this time, perhaps he needs to understand the consequences."

Parent nights are coming, folks....slap that sticky note on your mirror. Then pick a word for the school year and create a partnership with your kids' teachers...its time for some lessons! This weekend...#3.

Jan Wondra

Vice Chair

National Board of Directors

Families for Russian and Ukrainian Adoption 

1, 2, 3, its school...again.

The long, hot summer is over.

The months have sped by, though the thermometer is still registering record-setting temps. Many of the western and mid-west states headed back to classes a few weeks ago and the eastern seaboard will follow within a week or two. If you're like our family, we're officially transitioning from summer pool time, holiday celebrations and road trips, back into the routines of the next season. Parent after parent with whom I speak expresses some version of ... “I really don't know where the weeks went.” Whether your children are just entering school, are in high school, or heading out the door to college, I believe there are three things that we parents must do each year to help them reach their potential. These are true no matter what combination of adopted and/or biological kids for which we care, no matter their ages, their development stage, or their perceived abilities. Today.....

 #1. Love them and believe in them. I know this seems obvious, but there are days and seasons when our kids go through stages where they aren't the most lovable. There are dark times when we can't see the way forward. Times when we want to walk into a closet and close the door and let someone else handle the tantrums and reading comprehension challenges and medical issues. It doesn't hurt to remind ourselves that love is for the long term. Love....endures....As their parents, if we don't believe in our kids, no one else is likely to.

A sense of humor was invaluable. I found that quoting from joke books and favorite sayings could diffuse some ridiculous situations. (A favorite was “Really important stuff my kids have taught me,” Copeland Lewis.) The day I read "Some weeks you really need Saturday on a Wednesday" I knew I"d found a soul mate. I turned the page and read " As long as you don't look ahead in the workbook you can make it through today's lesson." For the days when it all just seems to be too much, remember 1,2,3. Tomorrow....#2.

Mothering a Motherless Child.

As the mother of an adopted child, it took years for me to understand what it is like to be a motherless child. When I did, I understood a lot more about my daughter and even more about the role we adoptive mothers fill in helping our children get on in this world. So this Mother's Day, a moment to consider our own mothers. It's been four years since the last Mother's Day I spent with my Mother.

There was that small matter of living 1,500 miles apart and the fact that the special day falls during what must surely be one of the busiest month of the year for mothers. What with school projects and field trips and final concerts, busy soccer seasons, exams, Memorial Day and graduations all crammed into a few weeks, we mothers can get that crazed look in our eyes trying to juggle everything. That year I managed to board a plane with my leg practically in traction, three broken bones between my knee and my ankle; netting me a first class seat because I couldn't bend my leg.

While my son had already moved on to college and international adventures, I hated being away from my then, 16-year-old daughter; the first Mother's Day that we hadn't shared since we brought her home from Russia. But I longed to sit at my Mother's table and talk with her over cups of coffee and fresh-baked cookies. I longed to be mothered. Our regular phone calls and rare (at least on my part) letters just did not fill the void. Only time with her would do it.

As it turns out, it was her last Mother's Day. She died quite suddenly the following August. Having lost my father four years earlier, I expected to grieve, recover and move on. I did not expect the waves of grief, the unrelenting emptiness, the heavy spot in my chest,which felt as though someone had ripped out my heart. I certainly did not expect, at my age, to feel so lonely, so defenseless, so abandoned. Then one day came the shock of truth: “So this is what a motherless child feels like.”

With that simple truth, I understood in the most profound way the depth of hurt, the primal loss, that our adoptive children can experience, even as we give them love and everything else we believe they need. I can only speak for me, but my connection to my mother was the basis for understanding who I am. If a grown woman can experience such grief, how much more overwhelming is it for a child who cannot even articulate the intense emotions of loss engendered by her background. No wonder her grief came out in so many other ways. Beginning with the hilarity generated at her first sleep-over, when at age six, our daughter announced to her little friends that “I wasn't born, I was adopted,” our daughter progressed through the typical stages of questions about her heritage and her birth mother.

Like so many of our preteens and teens, she stewed for months before she got up the courage to ask; when she turned 18, would we help her try to find her birth mother? In a single moment I knew she was owed reassurance; “Yes, of course, we can try when you want to.” But the other part of me had been crushed. I was her mother! Me! And I had waited so long for her. Now, years later, the topic has not yet concerned her again. No search has begun. Since providing her with the assurance she needed, she has lived into the love offered and for now, has moved past the motherless child stage. So have I. Happy Mothers' Day!

Jan Wondra,
Vice chair, FRUA National Board of Directors

An Overview of FRUA Scholarship Applicants.

Spring is in the air in most parts of the country, and that means that the annual Scholarship Program of Families for Russian and Ukrainian Adoption (FRUA) is well underway. Most of you know that to apply, applicants must come from current, paid FRUA member families. The FRUA National Board is excited about our applicant pool in this, the fourth year of our scholarship program.

With the application deadline now closed, FRUA has received 27 applications for scholarships in three categories: high school seniors, current post-secondary students, and children of chapter leaders. This year award amounts are $1,500 and $1,000 for two high school seniors, $1,000 for a post-secondary student, and $500 for a child of a chapter leader.

The applicant population is broader this year than in previous years. While the vast majority of applicants were adopted from Russia, several were adopted from Ukraine and, in a first for our scholarship program, we received applications from children adopted from Moldova. All totaled, 22 applicants were adopted from Russia, three were adopted from Ukraine, and two applicants were adopted from Moldova.

Another notable difference this year is the ratio of male to female applicants. In previous years, most applicants were male. This year, we received 16 applications from young women and 11 from young men. Student applicants hailed from 16 different states coast-to-coast. Four applications came in from Pennsylvania, three from Michigan and Virginia, two from California, Colorado, South Carolina, and Wisconsin, and single applications came in from Illinois, Maine, Missouri, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, New Mexico, Ohio, and Tennessee. The number of applications submitted in 2012 (double the 2011 total) and the variety of states from which applications were submitted suggest that word about our scholarship program is spreading! To help spread the word even more, please consider telling your high school guidance counselor about this scholarship opportunity.

FRUA’s National Board of Directors Scholarship Committee looks forward to reviewing the applications in the coming weeks and selecting recipients in mid-May. As in previous years, the applicants are incredibly impressive young adults!